What I Learned Doing A Sober Year @ 28
Chris Studer
For anyone reading this who doesn’t know me, my name is Chris Studer. I’m 28 years old, and I live in Toronto. I’m one half of the Executive Director team of the non-profit organization Get REAL, a title I am proud to share with my partner in crime Marley Bowen.
Last New Year’s Eve, I made the decision to do a full sober year, and I’ll just go ahead and say it’s been the best major life change decision I have ever made. I’ve had so much support from friends and family: thank you, you know who you are. I’ve also received a ton of questions, so this blog is to try and answer what’s been on people’s minds and share some of the things I’ve learned.
— — — — — — — — — The Pre — — — — — — — — —
I do want to acknowledge a few things right off the bat.
First off: everyone’s different, everyone’s goals are different, and I am absolutely not a judge of how anyone lives their life, so long as they are not hurting others. An obvious one, but I wanted to say that up front.
Second, my decision to share a bit of my growing up is not to glorify old times, but rather to provide some insight into my own life. I have a feeling that parts of my story might be relatable to some.
And third, why am I bothering to write this at all?
- To answer people’s questions, because many of you have taken the time to write me. Thank you, by the way.
- To show what this was like for me, in case even one person out there is thinking: “I need to make a change, and being sober might be it” — but they’re not sure where to start.
- To show my appreciation for how chill everyone in my life was, and encourage everyone to have that reaction, the next time someone tells you they don’t drink. Because that can really mean a lot to someone, to have that support.
I tried to break this all up in a way that made sense. “The Party” is the backstory, “The Party’s Broken Up” is the reasoning behind my decision to quit, and “The After-Party” is what I’ve learned in the form of frequently asked questions. Hopefully someone out there finds this useful.
Cheers,
Chris
— — — — — — — — — The Party — — — — — — — — —
I’ve been sober for a year now but I think I should start off by saying: I love a good party. Before this year, I had been drinking since the end of Grade 8. I love a fun night out, and showing people a good time. When I was 16, my buddy Calvin and I began throwing club parties downtown Toronto. We made a ton of money, sent ourselves on trips to Europe and the Dominican Republic, and picked up the entrepreneurial bug. When we weren’t throwing our own events, our friend group would make the rounds throughout Toronto, and it was never too hard to get a fun night started.
That scene was partying-bootcamp for what would be the next chapter: Western University, where the party actually never stopped, regardless of what day of the week it was, which exam was coming up, or how little disposable income we had to our names. I put my acquired skills to work for a club promotion company (which in my mind, definitely beat working retail) and joined the Purple Spur, fondly referred to as the drinking club of Western. My band was one of the only live music acts on campus, which meant plenty of gigs playing 90s covers at Keggers and house parties that felt like scenes out of a movie. After graduation I moved back to Toronto, and so did most of my original Toronto and new university friend groups. School-life shifted to work-life, and the party kept going.
I share the above because I don’t want to make my situation out to be what it wasn’t. I did not beat an addiction, like many people I know. My experience is nothing to brag about — not my most fun memories, nor my sober year. It just is what it is. From Cancun, to Coachella, to Tokyo, to our annual high school Secret Santa’s, I’ve been lucky enough to have had some amazing times partying with some incredibly fun and special people. Those are the positives. They’re real, and I don’t want to make things out to be anything they weren’t.
— — — — — — The Party’s Broken Up — — — — — —
By the time I was in my mid-twenties, however, I was starting to look a bit more critically at my lifestyle, how it was affecting me, and how I in turn was affecting other people. And I began to see patterns I disliked.
First off, I had put on about 40 pounds since university, mostly from a decrease in metabolism and an increase in beer. My face had changed shape, and I’d started buying a size up in shirts. As someone who, among other things, does public speaking for a living, this was starting to affect my confidence getting out in front of people. And with growing career responsibilities, I began to take new stock of hungover weekend mornings, growing ever more disappointed with Saturdays and Sundays filled with procrastinated chores and missed trips to the gym.
And compared to other people I was around, I really didn’t think I drank all that much. But what I’ve realized looking back, is that it’s not the amount of consumption, necessarily — it’s the results. And despite me putting on the brakes after university, I was still unhappy with the results. But to stop drinking entirely? That thought had literally never crossed my mind until fall 2017.
In September of that year, my girlfriend and I decided to do a sober month before a vacation to Indonesia. The reason was as shallow as it gets: drop some weight before a beach trip. But trivial as that was, I found myself surprised at how excited I was to try a new life-move. I hadn’t spent a full month sober in about 14 years, and I thought of it as a positive challenge for myself. By this point, I also had a growing number of people in my life that had dialled it way back on the partying, especially Marley, and new friends and colleagues like Raia, who frequently did sober months because they liked what it did for them. And I liked and admired what I saw.
The month turned out to be fantastic — even better than I’d hoped. I dropped weight and felt clear-headed everyday. I ate clean and exercised more. No stupid drunk arguments with anyone. I felt calmer, and happier with my decisions, and woke up on the weekend feeling productive. I swung by my friend Brendan’s birthday drinks at Jack Astor’s, ordered a Diet Coke, and had a great time amongst friends. And our trip to Indo was amazing as well. An unexpected plus of the previous sober month was that Cey and I drank a lot less than I’d anticipated we would on a holiday (although you might not think so after watching our video). So far, so good.
When we got back, we found that we’d broken the habit of week-day casual drinks, and I kept feeling better and better. I decided to do January and February completely dry. It felt empowering to make that decision: something deliberate and positive that I was going to do for myself, my family, my friends, my relationship, my career, everything. And then on New Year’s eve, I said “You know what? F*ck it. I’m going to do a full year.” There were some raised eye-brows, but my friends all supported my decision (love them to death); same with Cey, same with my family. I said that I’d do one pre-existing commitment (a bachelor party weekend for one of my best friends, in Montreal that April) but apart from that, 2018 would be completely sober. And so my year started.
— — — The After-Party: What’s It Been Like? — — —
It’s December 31st 2018 as I write this, a year to the day since I decided to change my life in this way. I’m going to answer the questions I’ve gotten from everyone here.
Q: What’s been the biggest change you’ve noticed since becoming sober?
A: There’s been a lot, but I’m going to try and break it down into the three most important.
#1: I’m happier.
I wouldn’t say that becoming sober made me happier in and of itself, but the by-products of being sober have one hundred percent made me happier. Remembering every decision I’ve made since January 1st. Being in control all the time. Having more energy and clarity to tackle problems. Losing weight and getting back to my old physical health. All of these make me happier, less anxious, more confident, more motivated. And because I’m in a good place, it’s a snow-ball effect: I’m tackling more problems and experiencing more success. So I am definitely happier than I was.
#2: Discipline is translating to other areas.
This decision has taken discipline, and it has actually helped me in other areas. For one, I decided to stop the bad habit I had of biting my nails, and I just did it. Marley found an insanely physically demanding boot camp, and I said “Let’s do it”. Now, we go 4+ days per week, and consistently getting better and better at things that in week 1 were brutal (like 50 burpees in a row). Cey heard great results from friends who’d been on a Keto diet, and I dove right in (a lot of people asked me about Keto, I’ll do a separate blog on that). These things, while they may seem trivial, all require discipline, and spending a year sober has given me more confidence in myself to be disciplined in other areas of my life.
#3: Greater feeling of self-worth.
Again, being sober in and of itself does not make me feel better than anybody. But the by-products I mentioned above have made me feel better than I used to — about myself. Along with the funny stories and the amazing memories, drinking has definitely come with some regrets.
There is nothing about my decision to be sober, on the other hand, that I regret even in the slightest. This was a positive choice made in favor of my own well-being. And what I’ve found is that one choice that makes you happy can lead to another. I’d be sober, and I’d remember to do something that my foggy hungover brain might have forgotten to do, and I’d feel proud. Then I’d say “You know what, I bet I could eat better, and I deserve to get healthy.” And I’d be disciplined, eat healthier, and see results. I’d feel proud again, and more confident. Then, instead of not working on a Sunday morning, I would wake up feeling amazing and optimistic and full of energy, and get a ton done. Then I would be less stressed out going into Monday. That week I’d have the time and energy to do something really nice for someone, because I was feeling better about myself and where I was at. And on, and on.
I am so far from perfect. But with each deliberate, positive decision, my feelings of self-worth are continuing to improve. I still make mistakes, but at least I’m in control, and if I don’t like something, I don’t feel trapped. It’s like: “I stopped drinking, didn’t I? So what’s stopping me from making another change, to make something else better?” That is a very empowering feeling.
Q: Do you have fomo?
A: Not really. But that might be because I’ve gone to a lot of fun parties and events over the years.
Q: What have you noticed about social situations? Is it awkward?
A: No, it’s just different, and I try and set myself up for success.
This is definitely the question I’ve gotten the most. Actually, first, an educated guess about my situation: me being in a committed, long-term relationship, with a supportive partner has made this way easier for me than it would be if I was single. Going on first dates and meeting new people sober — I know people who do that, and my hat’s off to them, but for me, that would be more challenging, or at least more tempting to have a beer or two.
But in terms of where I’m at, and in terms of seeing and going out with friends, I have noticed a few things.
- I’m lucky to have such great friends. This is a thank you to everyone who has been so chill when I’ve told them, and some who have even messaged saying they’re motivated to try this too. Thank you, a million times.
- I try and set myself up for success. I’ve realized I don’t need to go out to the bar until 2am and be trying not to yawn the whole time without the extra boost of substances. I’d look bored, and that would bore other people. I know that my energy levels sober can give a solid 3–4 hours before the bar, and usually that’s enough. I bring some Perrier; I chat with people. Sometimes I DD; sometimes people drink for me if I partake in a flip cup game or a round of “200”. I say my goodbyes. Short, sweet, and a win-win all around.
- I don’t sweat the awkward moments that do arise. I definitely have learned that me 6+ beers deep is either way more social, or way more oblivious to awkward moments, or both. But when stuff’s a bit awkward now, or if I run out of stuff to say to somebody: I don’t sweat it. Who cares, honestly. The same people who are hard to hold a conversation with, for me, are probably easy to hold a conversation with, for someone else. You can’t have a million things in common with everyone!
- I meet new friends through work, at bootcamp, and working at Soho, our second home. At parties? Not so much anymore, and that’s fine with me. I’ve definitely noticed a change in my patience with small talk when it comes to people I don’t know. I had a guy strike up a convo with me at some party recently — someone’s boyfriend probably — and I didn’t let it last too long. Me 10 drinks deep: “How’s it going? Where ya from?” Etc. Me now (in my head): “Look, you and I both know this isn’t going anywhere, I’m just here trying to crush Redbulls and ring in my friend’s birthday and that’s pretty much it.” But it’s all good, and I’m still polite of course (I may be sober but I’m still Canadian). And honestly, it’s not as if my world is smaller. I still meet great people through different avenues, and I still believe meeting new people enriches my world. I just know that in party settings I have more limited energies, so my time there needs to be spent with the friends I came there to see. It also means I really treasure the times I see my friends outside of party settings: the dinners, the catch-ups, the coffees, the activities. Those mean a lot.
- I‘ve found my place at events can be helping people. You know how most friend groups have a “Mama Bear” on nights out? Well, that was never really me. Buy a round of drinks for everyone? Sure. Notice that somebody is feeling a bit more reserved than normal? Not always, unfortunately. But now, being sober, I definitely notice a lot more opportunities to be helpful. If someone’s so drunk that it’s uncomfortable for their significant other, or is making a joke that is way too harsh and they don’t realize it, or if someone could maybe just could use some air and someone to talk to, I’m now often the person to notice and I’m actually in a place where I can react in a positive way, whereas before, I was definitely more wrapped up in my own night.
Q: What’s been the most surprising thing you’ve found?
A: Definitely the amount of people who have reached out to me and let me know that they, too, have gotten sober, for various reasons. Tons of people, many that I never would have guessed. And funnily enough the feedback from those people is so consistently similar: to paraphrase, “Best life change ever.”
Q: What’s one misconception you’ve realized many people have?
A: Probably that because I’m now sober, I think everyone else needs to adjust their behaviour. I think that’s the number one thing I’ve even realized: me being sober doesn’t mean anyone else has to be. Not my girlfriend, not my best friends, not my family. And no one needs to tiptoe around the fact. I definitely still have people asking me if I’m going to drink at this event, or that party, but honestly (and because I’m not battling addiction), I know that some people just miss partying with me, which I can’t fault someone for. An FYI though: if you know the reason behind someone’s sobriety is addiction (or even if you’re not sure) be on the safe side, and do not try and convince them to drink. That is wrong, and sh*tty.
But it’s not like people have to adjust around me. And that’s a two-way street. I’m not going to make little annoying comments about people’s consumption, and people don’t make little annoying comments about my non-consumption. Some people ask me how it’s been, and I know they’re just curious, so it doesn’t bother me.
Q: Are there people for whom you would not recommend this?
A: I think anyone could give this a try, but if it’s not for you, it’s not for you, and that’s all good. I think what this year has taught me is that everybody’s relationship with alcohol (and food and exercise and sleep and everything) is case by case.
I’ve had a lot of people say to me: “Ya that’s cool, but I could never do that,” and they mean the social aspect. I’ve never experienced the type of social anxiety that would prevent me from introducing myself to a group of strangers, so I’d never sit here and say: “No one needs anything to reduce social anxiety, ever.” I think there’s a lot of people who might surprise themselves, but I also think that a controlled amount of alcohol can be a tool that someone uses in a happy and fulfilled life.
I’ve also had a lot of people say to me that they love the taste of beer, of ciders, wine, etc. and they’d rather not give that up. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the taste of certain things a little bit — a delicious beer with a pizza, Prosecco on vacay (or pretty much anytime), Almond Baileys on ice at Christmas, Sapporo-Mohitos at Guu, Moscow Mules at Soho, a nice red with a steak. I’ve made a decision that the positives outweigh the taste, but for many people, that’s not the case. So again, it’s to each their own. But what I would say is that if you’re starting to notice negatives, maybe give it a try, and you might be surprised at what you can (happily) live without!
Q: Are you planning to continue sobriety indefinitely?
A: I don’t think so, but I’m definitely not in any rush to end it. For right now, it’s such a positive in my life, and it’s improving every area. But a life-change doesn’t necessarily mean forever. I do know that I’ll be entering 2019 with a clear head, and starting January 1st fresh and ready to take on the year. If your plan is to stay in bed all Tuesday and recover from a wild night out, go for it — there is a new episode of Black Mirror, after-all. Of course — be safe, don’t drive, look out for yourself and your friends, all that. But if you do want to try something different like this, all I can say is that it’s improved my life in a million ways. I’m always down to chat about this subject, and be a drinking buddy if you need it… I’ll just be ordering some Perrier with lime.
